Explicit Instructions For My Funeral

Not too long ago, I attended the funeral of a distant family member, a great-aunt I don’t think I’d ever met, and it was the most excruciating ceremony I’ve ever attended. The priest got her name wrong and talked at length about her 3 cats instead of anything important, it was awful. Anyway, I walked out of that church vowing that my own funeral would not go down like that, so here, published on the internet for everyone to see and (hopefully) obey, are the Explicit Instructions For My Funeral, on Thought Catalog.