As someone who has written fairly extensively about his sexual mishaps, drunken adventures, and generally poor life decisions (all of which can be found by a quick googling of my name), I have often worried about what a prospective employer for a “real job” might think if they found it… but at least I’m not as big of a mess as the social media morons pictured here. In my newest post for Fundamentum, I give you all the tips you’ll need for burying the digital evidence of your college-shame, and help you to cultivate an online persona that will have potential employers trying to hire you left and right.
Unlike the majority of Americans, I do not make the resolution to go to the gym and lose weight on the first day of every New Year. Instead, I make this resolution about one month earlier, on the Monday after Thanksgiving, because it’s the day I find myself overwhelmed with the most extreme amounts of self-loathing. So fresh in my mind is the awe-inspiring gluttony of Thursday, followed by a full 72 hours of unadulterated sloth, that I worry I’ll soon become one of those people who needs to be removed from his one-bedroom apartment in a wheelbarrow, arm fat spilling over the sides. I vow to change my ways immediately, and that’s how I find myself muttering curse words under my breath as I stuff tennis shoes into my gym bag, and gather the strength for my triumphant return to fitness. Read my satirical article about said gym visit (an adapted excerpt from “I Swear I’ll Be Good At It!”), live now on Thought Catalog and Huffington Post and Medium .
I wrote an article for Thought Catalog in May 2012 called “Stupid Things I’ve Said to Guys I’ve Had Crushes On” and now it’s Chapter 2 of my e-book that came out today. Here’s that excerpt again, on Medium!
I recently starting posting more of my writing on a website called Medium, whose tagline is: “a better place to read and write things that matter.” On Medium, writers publish their stories in a variety of overarching “collections” and I’ve decided to create my own, a column entitled Sad, But Funny.
Sad, But Funny is a place for writers to share stories which might not be inspiring, glamorous, or noteworthy, but are hilariously relatable in their witty recounting of the mundane. The topics may range greatly in scope (from awkward interactions with coworkers or family members, to frustrating experiences at the grocery store or gym, to managing our worst habits and most sarcastic thoughts), but the goal is always to get the reader to silently admit that he/she has “definitely been there,” and to earn a laugh, or a smile.
It’s the kind of humor I personally enjoy reading, and often find myself writing (or at least, trying to write). I’ve already posted a few stories in the collection, but now I’d like to invite you to contribute too!
If you want your sad-but-funny story included in the collection, please send an email to wesjanisen[at]gmail.com and I’ll make sure you get an invite. Please note: Medium connects to your Twitter account to create your writer profile, so if you don’t already have a Twitter page, go make one!
And while you’re brainstorming for your own articles, check out some of the posts below. They’re by different writers from all over the internet, but they’re some of my favorite reads, and they would jive well in the Sad, But Funny collection:
- Thoughts Whilst Working At Starbucks | VarsityDoubles
- My Failure to Attain Inner Peace During Hot Yoga | Katya Karaz
- Bring Your Hangover To Work Day | Stephanie Georgopulos
- Don’t Be The Worst: The Valentine’s Day Cure | Julieanne Smolinski
- In Which I Fix My Girlfriend’s Grandparent’s WiFi and Am Hailed As Conquering Hero | Mike Lacher
- What Is Wrong With Morning People? | Chelsea Fagan
- Surviving Whole Foods | Kelly MacLean
- What I’d Rather Do Than Lose Five Pounds | The Frenemy
- Real Men Bake | Josh Gondelman
- The Pony Problem | Sloane Crosley
Happy reading & writing, and I hope to hear from you soon!
Not too long ago, I attended the funeral of a distant family member, a great-aunt I don’t think I’d ever met, and it was the most excruciating ceremony I’ve ever attended. The priest got her name wrong and talked at length about her 3 cats instead of anything important, it was awful. Anyway, I walked out of that church vowing that my own funeral would not go down like that. This post was originally featured on Thought Catalog, but to increase the likelihood my instructions are followed, here they are again, on Medium.
I have a “new” post up on Medium today about a harrowing visit to my local farmers market (new in quotes because it was originally featured on Thought Catalog many months ago). If you missed it the first time around, or care to give it a re-read, the article is right here!